Oldest Woman Turns Out to be 43 Year Old Homeschooling Mom

Senior Reporter TSH Herald – Dot Nosliw

Famed Guinness Book of Records prints retraction as presumed oldest woman in the world turns out to be a 43 year old Homeschooling Mom in Iowa. “No one could be more surprised that we are,” says senior editor Bob Courtney. “I mean look at her…she looks older than dirt. What can we say? We were shocked to find out she’s only 43 years old!”

It should be made clear that no foul play was intended on the part of the homechooling mother, Teresa Bloom (IA). It was an unfortunate mistake and one that might have been avoided if a little more investigating had taken place.

Dr. Tim Zimmer, an internationally recognized specialist in human aging was asked about the advanced aging process witnessed in Bloom. “It’s really not an uncommon phenomenon. We’ve seen it repeated numerous times in the homeschooling community. We’ve adjusted, and calculated, the homeschooling aging process in much the same way people have calculated pets ages in “dog years.”

Dr. Zimmer went on to say, “A woman’s aging process is normal until the time she begins to homeschool at which point we estimated she ages about five to six years for every year she homeschools. In the case of Ms. Bloom, her 18 years of homeschool seems to have aged her to about 123 years old.

When asked to comment of having her award as the world’s oldest woman taken away, Ms Bloom stared blankly into the distance and mumbled, “How many times do I need to tell you to put a period on the end of the sentence? And for goodness sake, Josh, you left for the bathroom over 45 minutes ago…and would someone check on Kate to make sure she’s doing her math.”